Leland Gregory: Wacky 911 Calls - Mar 29, 2001

Art Bell welcomes author and former 911 dispatcher Leland Gregory to share recordings from his CD "Wacky 911" and stories from his book "What's the Number for 911?" Gregory, a former writer for Saturday Night Live and co-author of the bestseller "America's Dumbest Criminals," spent years cultivating an underground network of dispatchers who traded their most memorable calls.

The recordings range from absurd to touching. A man stuck in a pool pump for three hours requires an industrial lubricant for extraction. A robbery victim, bound and gagged, desperately tries to communicate his address while operators ask him to spell it. A lonely elderly woman calls 911 because she cannot open her beer bottles, and the dispatcher kindly sends a police officer to help. The "Joe vs. the Deer" call features a motorist trapped in a phone booth by both a deer and a dog after a chaotic roadside encounter.

Gregory, who spent a year as a dispatcher in Monterey County, explains the dark humor that sustains people in the profession. He notes that cell phones have created a major burden on 911 centers, with hundreds of callers reporting the same fender bender and accidental pocket dials flooding emergency lines.

Key Moments

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Man Stuck in Pool Pump for Three Hours: The first played 911 call captures a hotel night clerk reporting a guest at a Naples pool whose private parts have been stuck in the suction line for three hours; paramedics ultimately had to use industrial lubricant to free him.

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Bound and Gagged Caller Tries to Spell His Address: A robbery victim, bound and gagged, manages to dial 911 and tries to communicate his address through unintelligible muffled sounds while two dispatchers work in tandem - eventually deciphering 600 Almond Street, Apartment 2.

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Cell Phone Butt Dials Are Crippling 911: Gregory describes the growing problem of cell phones with a one-button 911 speed dial - including a Razorback fan whose pocket dialed 911 every time he sat down - and explains dispatchers must call back every silent line, draining real emergency resources.

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Caller Elijah Awaits His Spaceship: A man named Elijah dials 911 to announce he is the world's number one scientist, an authority on UFOs, and is about to be taken away by a spaceship; when the dispatcher mentions Einstein he replies that two people in the world are equal to him.

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Blonde Naked Lady Stolen from White Mitsubishi: A drunk caller insists a forty-year-old nude blonde woman in a white Mitsubishi was stolen at gunpoint five minutes ago; the dispatcher patiently extracts the truth - he had been drinking and his date drove off without him.